The subject of this post is applicable to most, if not all people. Lately, I seem to be having a difficult time doing this. Finding balance is not something I have struggled with in the past. However, given the fact that I now share responsibility for the lives and well being of three little people, and a husband I am finding this to be a bit more challenging.
I googled the definition of the word 'balance' and amongst many different iterations of the meaning, I found this:
'harmony: a state in which various parts form a satisfying and harmonious whole and nothing is out of proportion or unduly emphasized at the expense of the rest'.
This is perfect. This is what I struggle to achieve on a daily basis. I feel as though I am not succeeding. There are projects that are started and not finished - the most annoying at the moment is the painting of doors. We made it to Home Depot - over a month ago. Purchased the supplies, managed to paint one door and have left the last three to be done. As if someone is going to come in and magically they will be completed? I just sat down this weekend and finally made and wrote out the thank yous for Braxton's birthday. That was almost two months ago...these are just a few of the examples that I have. And forget about the 'I'd really like to do' projects. They require creativity and even more of a commodity - time.
Lately, I see myself in the mirror and wonder who is this person I see in the reflection? There was a time when I took the time to exercise, both physically and mentally. I used to run on the treadmill or do Tae Bo. I used to read books. There was a time when I wouldn't let things pile up and go undone. And now, it seems like at the end of the day, or the end of a week, I just run out of time. And energy. And one week turns into the next and before I know it, a month has past, then two...
The babies are four months old this week. Four months old. One third of one year - their first year filled with milestones and moments has past. While I have been there for each day, I feel like it has passed so quickly and I am left with these blurry memories. And I feel like I should remember more. That I should be doing more. And not just for them, but for Braxton too. I worry if his speech and vocabulary are developing as they should. I worry that he's getting enough one on one time with us. That we're not trying enough with potty training. I want to make sure his diet is well rounded and not just empty carbohydrates - which tend to be his favorite (can't say I blame him). And then there is my marriage. Trying to find time for 'us' has been more and more difficult. We've managed, but it certainly takes a lot more work then it used to. All of it just pulls at me.
Balance. I feel like I have lost it somewhere along the way, and I am really trying to find it again. Settling on things isn't my style. Good enough just doesn't cut it. I think this is part of the problem. I want the best. Let me rephrase that, I/we deserve the best. And lately I feel like instead of the best, we're just taking the 'good enough'. And I worry at what cost?
Please don't misinterpret this post. It may come off as a little negative, which is not my intent. I am in a really good place. And I am very happy with my life. I am just working very hard at the moment to make sure that each day is a great day. That we make sure each moment is appreciated. While at the same time, making sure the laundry is put away, the floor is cleaned, the kids are fed and bathed etc? Does that make sense?
At the end of the day I just want to make sure that we're making the most of this one precious life that we have. And I know that doors that go unpainted and laundry that never makes it to the closet really don't make a difference in the grand scheme of things. What matters is appreciating the here and now, while still focusing on and working for the up and coming...
~ B
"I've learned that you can't have everything and do everything at the same time." Oprah Winfrey
