Case of the Monday's...

Wow. So it's Monday and I definitely have a case of the Monday's going on. Do you ever just feel blah? That's not a very good adjective, but I have been in this blah mood since yesterday...I didn't want to get up and come to work today. Though, I couldn't spend any more time in bed b/c that's pretty much all I did yesterday. As goregous as it was, all I did was lay in bed, watch movies and feel blah...

I know it'll go away, but in the mean time when I feel like this, I do a lot of self reflection. Not always a good thing to do when you are already feeling a little off. I don't know. I guess I am just trying to figure out why I am the way I am at times. Mostly, why I let the past influence my here and now as much as I do. It's true that you learn from your past, but at times, letting your past experiences influence the current situation isn't always for the best. Mostly what I am getting at is just b/c things turned out one way in one situation, doesn't mean that the same outcome is going to result now. I am probably not making any sense...

In a way I kind of feel like I am being punished for letting past experiences that have influenced or effected me, play a part in my life today. I guess you'd have to know what those are, but I am not really in the mood to share those. Mostly I just wanted to take a minute to jot down how I was feeling so I could figure out how to get out of the blah mood I am in. Betrayal can be a wicked thing that just never lets it's victims be whole again. That's where I am at. Throughout my adult life I have been betrayed or lied to on several occasions, so it's very difficult for me not to expect that now. I am very trusting. I have a hard time seeing the faults in those people that I care about. Or maybe not so much that I have a hard time seeing the faults, but I make excuses for them. I allow certain behaviors and as a result I get mad at myself when I do. I'll think or feel but not say anything to directly address the issue. I attribute it to the fact that I am afraid how they will react. I am afraid that b/c I share how I feel they may not agree and in turn rather then try to see my point or understand how or why I feel the way I do, they'll just close up, and go on about their own way. Never understanding that all I ever wanted in the first place was the best for them...If it weren't for my past I wouldn't be who or where I am today, however, at times that isn't always a good thing. Sometimes the past best be forgotten, but that is very difficult to do.

Anyway, BLAH. That is how I feel today. I know, I know, boo-hoo right? Like I said, I'll get over it but for now I am going through a case of the Monday's. Thankfully, Tuesday is just around the corner...